Thursday, March 13, 2008

The Cheddar Thief

The nerve! They ran off with my cheese!

Almost a week ago, I put out for my guests a sweet, anytime treat of chunky peanut butter mixed with honey. To my dismay, they turned their little noses up at it. The whipped-up concoction remained untouched for days. So, I put out slices of Cheddar cheese for them, as I probably should have done from the start, if I weren't so stingy with my cheese. I put out just a bit, about half the size of a postage stamp and possibly twice as thick. Since word hadn't gotten out yet that I was offering cheese instead of an oily lump of peanut butter, it lay about for an evening, but then two mornings later it was gone. That's fine since I had put it out for them, but what irritated me was that they didn't bother to stay around and thank me. They took off without any sign of gratitude. Foolishly, I forgave their rude slyness and attempted to win them back with a festive honey cheese ball. This, too, was popular, but again they didn't stick around. Off they scampered.

Well, I've had enough. I never invited these guests into my home, and I don't want them any more. They may have thought they were winning my heart with their earnest love of cheese, but this hostess' icy heart is only so big. Same goes for my tiny apartment in Queens. There's little room here for an indeterminate number of ungrateful guests.

To get rid of these foul-weather friends, I will have to cast aside my peaceful vegetarian side, as well as my useless traps that are about as insensitive as I am, and call upon my inner Anton Chigurh. Glue traps will be my multi-use bovine killing machine. And there will be no cheese.

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